The Worst of the Worst

Not worst as in, I can't believe how bad that mother is, bad as in, why didn't this character go away right after it was introduced? As an avid comic book fan you learn to live with both the good and the bad, because quite honestly, there will always be ridiculous things that just suck pooping up in a book somewhere. But once we have established that something sucks, why keep it around? This list honors the villians that creators just can't get rid of no matter how much the fanbase wants it. The list will not be limited to comics, but will cross to all other realms. Soon to follow will be a best of the worst.

10. Sparkly Vampires

In the history of literature, I don't think that there has ever been such a blatant raping of classic villianry as Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. This entry could be considered a draw with clean-shaven werewolves. When I told my wife that I would be including long-toothed abortions on my list she reiterated that they weren't villians, to which I replied, "really, all of the vampires in the movies are good guys? There is no vampire antagonist in the series?" To which she replied a disgruntled "well, yeah, but that doesn't count." Oh, it very much counts. Even if it didn't, they are freaking vampires, what kind of vampire is not considered a villian?!?!? Do they drink the blood of humans to survive? Thought so, kind of villianous there wouldn't you say? Why are they terrible then? They aren't real vampires. Real vampires, hunt, kill, hide in the shadows, and run an underground world of depravity. Twilight vampires, stalk, watch through windows longingly, spent the days shopping for shirt with two loose buttons on top at Hot Topic, and stand around posing next to each other while trying to look evil and sexy at the same time....... and they sparkle. Gay. They only reason they aren't higher is because I've never acutally seen the movies or read the books and can only make assumption judgments.

9. Shocker
For those unfamiliar with Shocker, there is nothing overly lame about this character, nothing so ridiculous that it is too laughable for even comics fans, and nothing about his costume or powers makes him a necessary conclusion. Why is he included then? He is perhaps the biggest loser in all of comics, Shocker not only loses every fight he is in, he loses them quickly. I have never seen Shocker as a villian in consecutive issues, when he shows up it is a guarantee there will be no "to be continued" at the end of issue. Shocker is not two in the pink and one in the stink, he is only the one in the stink.

8. Saruman the White

Saruman is perhaps the worst part of the entire Lord of the Rings franchise. This villian sucks because his goal is to be top lackey. What kind of freaking goal is that. The man never even attempts to better himself or establish himself as the top dog, he readily accpets the invitation to serve beneath Sauron and betrays good to do so. As a result he creates even weaker lackeys to do his bidding for two movies and then gets his ass kicked by a bunch of tress before it is universally decided that he far too pathetic to continue to wear white. I'm not kidding, then he gets owned by a real wizard and spends the rest of the series pouting in his tower.

7. Satan

Yeah, I went there, I claimed Satan as a horrible villian. Of course, I am not claiming the actual religous figure of Satan, I am referring to the incantation on South Park. Satan has made numerous appearances on the show, growing a little worse at being a vilian every time. He first is seen showing up in South Park to claim his rule over the earth and challenges Jesus to boxing match with the fate of the world on the line. Satan then throws the fight to win a bunch of money. Secondly we watch Satan work through relationship problems in hell a season later. He crys and moans, and then asks God for advice on who he should choice. More recently, we see him transform into a super-sweet-sixteen type figure when planning his Halloween bash. Overall, Satan has:

A. Thrown a fight against his greatest rival
B. Begged an adversary for relationship advice
C. Whine and moan over a ruined party

The South Park Satan does the opposite of a good villian, he gets whimpier over time.

6. Mole Man

There is hardly anything worth writing about Mole Man, he has stuck around in comics simply because he was the vilian in Fantastic Four #1 and is therefore considered a classic villian. He is rarely used, because no one can look at him without laughing. Mole Man is about 4 feet tall, has no powers, and lives underground. He is essentially the king of a race of creatures he discovers far beneath the earth's surface. He is a joke who wears 3-D glasses as the cornerstone of his costume, which is just a little dwarfish trenchcoat.

5. ToadHe quite literally has the powers of a toad. He can stick to walls, has a long tongue that he uses to tie people up and throw them, and occasionaly has been known to cough some reptilish-glue-gunk-slime. He is mostly known for being Magneto's servant back in the first Brotherhood. This makes the fact that he is still around even less acceptable. He was a lackey from day one, so kill him off, stop using him, something. He has never mattered but is always there, and isn't being a joke somewhere in the background just about the worst thing a villian can be?

4. Jester

I don't know if this guy was supposed to be the Marvel version of Joker but if he was, that was an epic failure. The Jester is a man with no powers, the closest thing he has is "the physical training of a circus acrobat." So he can do flips off props. The Jester terrorizes the city with an array of circus-themed weapons such as yo-yos and candy canes? I have never seen jester win a fight and he is missing that insane mass-murderer element that makes joker such a good villian. This guy is literally just bank robber in a clown costume. Every 50 issues or so, Daredevil will beat his ass for about two pages. Jester will be lucky to get one punch in.

3. Capitalism

Capitalism as a villian comes in one of two forms.

1. An evil businessman who will do anything for fiscal success

2. The Corrupt-on-every-level American Governement

Because we all know that no business is successful and that no technological breakthrough happens witout the slaughter of innocent people, and no law passes without the abduction and wrongful torture and imprisonment of children and honest police officers. The problem with Capitalism as vilian isn't that it sucks, when used properly it can be quite good, the problem is that everyone uses it now. Avatar, Heroes, Civil War, to some extent it's even in Toy Story 3. These are all things I enojy, but now everyone else is using it. It is just getting old.

2. Red Ghost

Red Ghost is like the polar opposite of capitalism as a villian, he is essentially communism as a villian... with trained combat monkeys. Red Ghost does not fight, he can phase so that objects pass right through him, he then does his fighting with evil monkeys that he communicates with telepathically. He is as hokey a character as has ever been written in comics, and unfortunately he still gets used, most recently as part of the Fall of the Hulks storyline. Right, because anything this schmuck does will threaten the Hulk. The worst part about this character, however, is not his powers but his dialouge. He is one of those characters that seems to forget that comics are written differently than they were in the 60's. Modern day comics banter does not rely on a giant thought bubble above a character, in which the character explains in 5 or 6 sentences exactly what he is doing and why. Red Ghost still does and you can expect to read something about the greatness of communism or the despicableness of capitalism in just about every panel in which he appears. One of these monkeys need to give him AIDS so he can get out of my comics forever.

1. Goomba

Goomba is the most shallow, puny excuse for a villian in the history of ever. Over the last twenty-ish years, Goomba has shown up in virtually every one of Mario's many games. I do not think he has ever been graced with a word of dialouge, at least I can't remember ever reading one. He has no arms, barely has a body, and is about half of Mario's size. Every time I have ever lost a hit to one of these things (which is rare) I have though "really, like that thing could actually harm Mario." Given that Mario is just a plumber, the fact that I cannot accept this creature as a threat to him speaks for itself. He is in every Mario game, never changes, and never is a challenge. I think it would be the equivelant of being attacked by a rabid, mute kitten, yeah it can bite, but you could always just kick into oblivion with little to no effort. And so could a plumber.