Retirement.......?

It almost seems silly to speculate at this point, but it appears as if a certain quarterback whose leg I prayed for to break every Sunday may finally hang up his decreped old cleats. At 11:29 AM MST, NFL.com reported that Old Yeller is considering finally putting himself down after being told he will have to have ankle surgery to be cleared to play next year.


I know that "technically" he hadn't "made up his mind yet" but who are we kidding? The season has been over for three months now. He knows, and the only reason he hasn't come out and announced he'll be playing next year is because he wants to skip most of training camp again.


I would like to adress No. 4 sincerely. Dear ancient one, I am concerned about your health. I believe that from 1994-2004, you were perhaps the greatest quarterback in the NFL, maybe better than anyone has ever been during that ten year stretch. Sir, it is over now, since 2005 (with the exception of last year's miracle) you have been just as ineffective as you were in 1991 in Atlanta, the horse is dead man, get off of it. I know you think that it is best to lead an entire franchise on for months about whether or not you would retire, (every offseason since 2005) because after all, the team is not 45 players so much as it is 44 supporting characters and an old dude trying to prove that is still the greatest, more than five years past his prime. I, however, have reason to believe that it is time to accept that you are cursed to end your career on a sour note. Whether it be an interception in overtime (2007-2008 NFC Championship game), an interception while in game-winning field goal range (2009-2010 NFC Championship game), or just plain out being a worthless sack of shit throwing the ball all the time because you know better than to let your team run the ball first (Everything after Thanksgiving, 2008), after all they have YOU at quarterback. It just think it's destiny, not because you are a selfish, primadonna prick who has it coming, but because God has it out for you........ because he cares about your career so much....... because everyone does.


Let's face facts Mississippi man, you may not even be able to survive this surgery at your age. Do you realize that you are the third oldest player in the NFL, with the only players older being placekickers? An ankle surgery at your age could be fatal. Dont risk it.


I don't want you to think that I'm just saying all this because I hate you. I promise this has nothing to do with the joy I got out of watching you hurt your ankle in the NFC championship game.

Haha

And I promise to stop masturbating to this image of you on the ground crying after ruining your whole team's season.

Honestly, I don't even enjoy doing it, it feels too gay, but it is necessary.

Please for once in your life, just listen to the doctors, fans, family, and all the other people in the world who aren't you and realize that your time has come. Step up to that podium one last time and announce that you just can't go on with anymore. Give us some of those trademark teary eyes so that everyone on ESPN can talk about how sincere it was and about the passion you had for the game that led to such an emotional moment. After all we only see those moments ever time you win a game, throw a touchdown pass, loss an important game, or get into a fight with your coach over who really should be directing the game. You play with such a childlike joy and love for the game. Don't worry, I promise the commentators will still talk about you, because until opening day comes and you aren't in uniform, no one will believe it anyways. You still have a solid four months to be the center of attention.

So do it.

Retire.

GET OUT OF MY ESPN NEWS FEED DAMMIT!!!!

You will not be missed.