Yes, I have decided to undertake a new column to write on a weekly basis in addition to the rankings column. I am currently enrolled for 19 credits, working an internship, and managing over 25 fantasy football teams, so I figured if I didn't give myself enough writing responsibilities I might have enough time to actually sit and enjoy the games. No, I have found a way to incorporate everything in life into a simple format. All goings-on in my life are split into three categories, good bad, or ugly. Some might say "what about neutral? don't you tink dat you're being a little bit pessimistic?" First of all, learn how to use grammar, the space I allotted to your quotation that I made up looks absolutely terrible, and second of all, the three categories I have work perfectly because there is more negative in the world than good and needs more categories. I mean have you watched news this year? This decade? What natural disaster is our president busy speaking at an anniversary rally for today instead of actually, you know, addressing matters that mean a damn? So yes, two negatives to one positive works just fine and dandy for me thanks.
The idea came to as a way to break down individual characteristics of football games, so I can address teams and players that have no business on my top 25 list, and I'm giving it a shot. WAIT!!!! Football haters, don't run, the inspiration was football and there will be a football emphasis but this column will be packed with that good ol' pessimistic Taylor charm to life in general. So without further ado, let's see how bad this can be......
THE GOOD
The USC Offense: The Trojans did not miss a beat throwing or running the ball this week, compiling over 500 yards in the debut of the Lane Kiffin era. There had to be good news eventually right?
USC WR Ronald Brown: Speaking of the Trojan O, WR Ronald Brown had a career game, grabbing three touchdowns through the air, and returning a punt for another. He is my first addition to the Heisman watch list for the season.
University 106 Logic Path: Picture bubble wrap with lines drawn from one bubble to another as to outline a pattern. This was my assignment for this class. Pointless and silly for a senior to have to do? Absolutely, but my teacher pointed mine out as the best and gave me props in front of all the silly freshman around me, so hooray for being old enough to know how college works.
Hawaii WR's: These guys grabbed everything within a three foot radius of them for four quarters against a previously elite defense, making it look silly in the process. The Warriors racked almost 600 yards of offense and it's because the plays the receivers made. Greg Salas is the known weapon but Keahola Pilares also racked up over 200 yards on the night, making his team look very good in the process.
The South Carolina WR's: Big, strong, fast, and just mean enough to flatten a hapless Southern Miss defender like kitten beneath a steamroller.
South Carolina RB Marcus Latimore: The top recruit of the Steve Spurrier era in SC finally hit the turf on Thursday night, racking up 54 yards on 14 carries and scoring on two drives. It's not Heisman worthy but a good start for a true freshman with a putrid offensive line in front of him.
South Carolina Defense: See South Carolina WR's and change the word defender to offensive player.
Griffin: My dog has been cuter than ever this week, finding a bird outside with a broken wing, chasing it down, and then licking it like a wounded member of her own pack.
Missouri CB Carl Gettis' interception vs. Illinois: This play has to be seen to be believed, I accidentally stumbled across it while channel-surfing for a better game. Gettis jumps for the ball early, reaches backwards while falling the opposite direction and grabs a perfectly thrown ball with his left hand and pulls into his body as he falls down to his right. It made no highlight rels though, because we aren't supposed to car about Missouri.
Michigan QB Denard Robinson: The worries at Michigan has been silenced thanks to a QB that looks ready to run at the Heisman, add him to my watch list as well. He was something like the third player ever to run and throw for more than 185 yards in a game. It sounds impressive but I have to wonder, what kind of cut off number is 185? That stat was clearly spat out to impress somebody in the press box and will never spoken of again.
UNC QB T.J. Yates: After an offseason of listening to everyone say that UNC can't win the ACC because of how much this guy sucked, he went out on the field, and gave the world the finger. With his top two receivers and running back suspended for the game, Yates nearly won the game by himself, throwing for 400 yards and a few TD's. He took a team with 12 suspended stars and brought them within two yards of a win over a ranked team.
TCU Offense: That option they were running looked nasty and Oregon State had no answer for it, I don't think this weeks opponent, Tennessee Tech, is likely to fare much better.
Facebook chat: Had anyone else forgotten this even existed? I spend a lot of time on Facebook avoiding homework and never, ever think to check that little bar at the bottom. This week I took procrastinating to the next level, checking the bar, and reconnecting with friends I never talk to, and even a few relatives.
Kansas State RB Daniel Thomas: Thomas was always thought to be one of the nations top backs on a team that doesn't deserve him. This week he proved us all right. Thomas dragged the Wildcats to a two point victory over UCLA, running for over 200 yards and a couple scores, while the passing game generated a whopping 64 yards.
Boise State's run defense: The defense snuffed out the run game altogether, Ryan Wiliams and Darren Evans never got going, if Tyrod Taylor had not made some great scrambles, the vaunted unit would not have even whiffed 100 yards combined. Williams ran for negative yards 8 times out of 24 carries a year after running for almost 1700 yards.
Virginia Tech QB Tyrod Taylor: The one player I said could not beat almost made me look like a chump. Don't let the close score fool you, Taylor is the only reason this game wasn't a complete blowout. The offensive line was a Jell-O wall against the BSU pass rush and let every guy through all game long. Taylor bought time scrambling and while under heavy pressure, was often just too fast for the linemen to catch, proving receivers time to get open. The run game never got going, but Taylor carried the Hokies all game long by running around like a maniac anyways.
My Fantasy Football Teams: I have way, way too many, and there is legitimately no chance I can win with them all. I won't have time. But I am in good position to win most of them, led by my discovery that I am king of the auction draft. One of my teams is so deep, I cut Justin Forsett when I wanted a free agent because he was legitimately the worst player on my team.
Referees: Give the zebras a break if only for once in the year. I watched 12 games this weekend and the stripes didn't ruin a single one, sure they got a few calls wrong, but I didn't see one that was terrible and more importantly none that decided a game. Give it time, SEC play starts this week, and I can already see flags flying over a high five for excessive celebration. Well, if its the underdog high-fiving.
Geico: I'm sure some of you are surprised to see this company on my good list, I'm a little shocked myself. For about, oh I think eight years now, I have despised Geico. Since the birth of the caveman commercials, there has been nothing on TV that I dread seeing more. This week, they made me chuckle. No, it wasn't a caveman commercial, but the new one with the CEO trying to figure out how the gecko carries his cell phone around.
Boise State QB Kellen Moore's Heisman Chances: Kellen Moore did not have a statistically incredible evening, actually, if you watched the game you know he threw a few big clunkers. But the Heisman trust doesn't generally vote on stats, they vote on importance to a top five team most of the time, and Moore's two minute drill Monday night gave the trust a defining moment to look at. 3 TD's to no picks looks pretty good too.
Watching Big Games With Close Friends: When Kellen Moore hit Austin Pettis for the game-wining score with just over a minute left, the room exploded. There were suddenly about eight bodies leaping around screaming, hugging anything in sight, and scaring the shit out of my poor dog for about three minutes. I didn't even see the extra point. Emotions were high, and Jeremy cracked a smile for the first time since halftime.
The WAC: Generally the WAC watches Boise State take an early lead in the conference race, because everyone else plays a top 25 team and starts 0-1. This year the WAC looked great in week one. Hawaii put a good scare in USC, Utah State also scared number 7 Oklahoma, and Boise State and Fresno State scored huge wins over BCS conference heavyweights. Sure San Jose State got rolled by Bama, but we all knew they were among the worst teams in the nation anyways.
THE BAD
South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia's Shoulder Fade: Garcia played a pretty good game but it was a sad sight every time he threw one of these up in the air. I counted five and only one made it within about ten feet of a wide receiver.
The South Carolina Offensive Line: The squad needs to improve on their pass blocking, this unit was thought to be shaky all offseason, and if Thursday's performance against Southern Miss is any indication it's not ready for SEC play. Garcia was under constant pressure and the Golden Eagles aren't exactly known for their defensive presence.
Hawaii QB Bryant Moniz' downfield accuracy: I had never heard of Moniz prior to watching this game and I'll give him props, the dude has a cannon for an arm, throwing balls down the field sixty yards with virtually no effort. The problem is that it's so easy, he seems to do it even when his receivers are only 45-45 yards downfield. The deep threat was open all night, if he had any accuracy at all on big plays, Hawaii would have won.
ESPN Production Values: All weekend, every game I watched got that irritating lag effect you see from time to time, and a few black screens. ESPN needs to remember that going to 3D doesn't mean you should give up on the 300 million still watching in 2D.
The Heisman Hopes of Mark Ingram, Dion Lewis, Ryan Williams, Jake Locker, and LaMichael James: Ingram missed a game and his backup made him look very replacable, which is really bad in the voter's eyes. James is in the situation, his backup ran for 4 TD's and caught one more in the first half alone, so get ready to split carries. Williams and Lewis both just did not play very well in big games and Locker won't win anything if he doesn't start winning any more games.
Marvel Previews: I hate to say it but it looks like this Heroic Age is going to kill my interest in the Marvel Universe at least short term. This months previews weren't awful but nothing in there got me excited and for a fan that used to buy 60+ books a month that is bad news.
Miami (OH): You held the fifth ranked team in the country to under 200 yards until their last offensive possession and got blown out. Why are you even playing football if you can't stay within twenty of a team that looks terrible.
TCU Secondary: The Horned Frogs had one big weak spot in Saturday nights clash of ranked powers, they gave up a lot of big plays. James Rodgers was open all night, scored one long touchdowns, and was open for two more that his QB missed. TCU has a decently easy schedule but Baylor will look scary if they keep letting wideouts get open like that, not to mention Utah and BYU.
The SEC: The conference that likes to remind you that it deserves to be in the national title game even if the champ goes 8-4. In their minds that conference is just unbeatable and the title game is always supposed to be number two versus their best squad. This week LSU was a questionable no-call on PI from the 2 yard line from losing to a team with 9 suspended starters, Ole Miss lost at home to a FCS team, and Florida took until the fourth quarter to put away a MAC team that went 1-11 a year ago.
Griffin at a football party: My dog spend the majority of Monday nights BSU-VT game curled in a ball hiding from as many people as she could. Everyone was nice to her, but there was just too much screaming for my little cowards ears.
Colds: My wife and I both got one, which sucks, especially having to miss school during the second week of classes.
Weight Loss: Yeah, I'm supposed to be working on shedding some of my marriage weight right now, but then I got a cold, which is a really good excuse not to work out. Then football season started on Thursday, giving me no motivation whatsoever to leave the couch, or to stop eating as much junk food as I could justify force feeding to myself.
Navy Coach Kenn Niumatalo: I have never seen a man so clearly rip a referee a new one before. On the way into the locker room at halftime, Niumalato stopped to scream at the referee, getting nose to nose with him and grimacing with a look that would give children nightmares. How he avoided getting thrown out is beyond me.
Virginia Tech RB Ryan Williams: Williams ran for under 50 yards on 24 carries, ignore the three touchdowns, Williams had a bad game and if this continues the Hokies can kiss their ACC title hopes goodbye.
Thunderbolts: This weeks issue is easily the worst issue I have read since Warren Ellis first took over the reigns in 2006. Disjointed, paced way too fast, and just lacked cohesiveness in general. This has been one of my favorite books in my time reading comics and I really hope this was just a one issue blunder.
Randy Moss: Starting to complain about his current contract situation. The Oakland Raiders have advised me to trade him off all my fantasy teams if that doesn't change by week three.
THE UGLY
Oregon State QB Ryan Katz: The new starter for the high hopes Beavers couldn't hit the broad side of a barn on Saturday night's premiere matchup in college football, going just 9 of 25 with 159 yards. Yes, he threw two touchdowns but there wasn't a corner within 5 yards of his reciever one of them. A bad start for a squad that hopes to win the PAC-10 this year.
X-Men Legacy: Every time I try to read this book, I put it down half way through and say to myself "Taylor, why do you keep trying to read this garbage?" I don't have an answer for that. After three years Mike Carey has finally lowered the book to the point where every time I pick it up, I put it down thinking I can't read any X-Men books anymore, even though it's the only onw I don't like. I swear I'm done now until the author changes.
Southern Miss: The whole team. I thought this team had a chance to pull off the seasons first big upset Thursday evening, instead they were dominated in every way. Vanderbilt could have crushed these guys, hell, Idaho State may have humiliated them.
Defense in the USC-Hawaii Game: Yes, these teams did actually field defenders. Both teams racked up over 500 yards of offense, on one play I watched a USC RB run straight past seven Hawaii defenders completely untouched. People expect this kind of game from Hawaii but the USC faithful might be getting a little worried.
Hawaii Kickoffs: I really don't know what these kicks were supposed to be. Throughout the entire second half, Hawaii kicked what looked like an onside kick, but it traveled about thirty yards and USC returned it every time. Announcers couldn't tell if this supposed to be a pooch kick or a terrible attempt at an onside kick. I'm still trying to figure it out.
South Carolina's Mascot: It's supposed to a rooster but that stupid costume just turns into a giant red cone at the bottom. I know that mascots are supposed to be a bit silly but they might want to redesign the damn thing to actually look like a Gamecock.
The Redhead on the New 5 Hour Energy Commercial: She is just hideous. This chick has eyes wider than Jay Leno's chin. She gives me the chills every time this commercial comes on.
Forearm Shots in Football: Bryant Moniz was knocked out of the game against USC when a USC linebacker tackles him by throwing a forearm into his head. Leaving him woozy and knocking him out of the game, I am completely lost as to how this could not be a penalty.
Being UNC: This team is very, very talented but with the NCAA deciding to hold an investigation on the team, half of their starters will watch from the bench while they figure everything out. If the Reggie Bush investigation is any indication, the Tar Heels should get their guys back on the field at some point in 2014. North Carolina's season now looks completely lost.
Mark May: When a commentator makes a comment about Boise State being in the national title hunt, May replies with the simple comment "Yeah, but the Broncos are probably going to be 0-1 on Tuesday morning so we can probably leave them out of the conversation." Good to see that one week in and he has already committed to completely bias again this season.
Running Out of Options: Florida is committed to running the ball but if Saturday is any indication, they will be hunting for a QB to run the option again by November. The line was pitiful but the backs did absolutely nothing to bail the team out and Brantley did not look ready to throw every down.
UConn, LSU, and Ole Miss: All of these teams looked really bad this weekend, LSU actually won their game, but struggled against a terrible offense missing half their starters. The Huskies were my pick to win the Big East but they looked like a bottom tier C-USA team in getting clobbered by Michigan. As for Ole Miss, well the score speaks for itself.
BSU Event Parking: Dave Matthews Band poisoned the Boise atmosphere with their live music last week and as a result, I was informed that my money was wasted. I parked in a metered spot near the SUB, paid for the spot, and then turned to find a parking employee rushing towards yelling that I could not park there. I informed her that I had already paid for the spot and her response was "I'm sorry, but you have to move anyway." There were no signs posted but she insisted that they needed to leave the spot available to place people for the concert. After a short but heated argument, it was determined that I had spent my money, which would not be refunded, to park off campus and walk to the SUB.
The Big East: Two time defending conference champion Cincinnati lost to a WAC team that wasn't Boise State, conference favorite Pitt lost to Utah to start the season, and UConn got destroyed by Michigan. The other team that is supposed to be good, West Virginia, beat an FCS squad 31-0 and didn't put the game away until late and Rutgers didn't hit double digits against their FCS squad until half way through the third quarter. Criticisms that this conference gets an automatic BCS bowl bid and the MWC doesn't have never been more legitimate.
Penzoil Advertising: They have been running the same commercial, I mean exactly the same, every football season for eight years. You know the one where cars go slow due to engine sludge and the cop guesses how slow the car is going and the other cop turns to him and goes "YEAHHAHAHA" in the worlds hokiest laugh ever. Time to move on guys.
Fun? No, You Must Be Thinking of Some Other Sport: Apparently now it is an automatic 15 yard penalty for excessive celebration if a player does that silly little flip into the end zone at the end of a touchdown run. Really? That is going to far? It doesn't even delay the game at all. The NCAA is slowly moving to the day when players will be suspended for jumping in the air and doing a chest bump, or hoisting their coach on their shoulders after a big win. Hey, maybe while we're at it should ban the Gatorade bath, and take away scholarships for gives post game interviews in excess of 30 seconds.
The MWC's TV Contract: I am one of the hundreds of millions of US citizens that still has cable instead of satellite, so I can't watch MWC games. That means no Utah-Pitt, and no BYU-Washington. Epic fail.
Virginia Tech cheerleader Amanda Tompkins: I swear this girl found a way into every sideline shot the entire game, consistently crowding referees while they reviewed plays, and hiding behind coaches during sideline interviews. She is not easy on the eyes, boasting a smile that could make a baby cry.
Zack Theander's Fantasy Football Team: I was in my final draft of the season this week and my first with my good friend Zack. Unfortunately for Zack, he was at work, and his team got autodrafted. Autodraft teams are generally not great, but having Jeremy Maclin as your top WR is just brutal, I felt bad for him but will still gloat while I kick his ass all year long.
NFL Cuts: Dear Seattle Seahawks, T.J. Houshmanzadeh thanks you for his release. He also thanks you for the nearly eight million dollars it will cost you, now he is free to sign with the Super Bowl contender Baltimore Ravens for virtually nothing, instead of playing on a likely 4-5 win team.
Thus concludes my first shot at good, bad, and ugly. Since I forgot to post picks in my top 25 column, here are some now for this weekends games.
College:
Michigan 24 - Notre Dame 20
Ohio State 27 - Miami 14
Alabama 35 - Penn. State 17
UPSET SPECIAL: South Carolina 21 - Georgia 20
Florida State 31 - Oklahoma 24
Oregon 41 - Tennessee 21
NFL:
Miami 30 - Buffalo 13
New Orleans 31 - Minnesota 17
Indianapolis 33 - Houston 27
UPSET SPECIAL: Cincinnati 27 - New England 17
